Your Story Isn't Over

Right now I'm staring at a water color painting that my roommate has hanging on the wall. The painting is of an assortment of exactly 21 glasses of water, each with a different amount of liquid. Though the art in of itself is aesthetically pleasing to look at, it's the small phrase on the bottom of the painting that hits me: "hope is essential".

Everyone and their sister has written about hope before. In some shape or form. I definitely have. Yet it's a subject I continually want to revisit because I'm constantly in desperate need of hope. 

We are all in desperate need of hope.

Hope is, in fact, essential. 

2012-2015 were highlight years for me. I was constantly around faith driven believers during this time who had a heart to see the nations transformed by a radical Love named Jesus Christ. I lived in both California and Hawaii and traveled to do various missions work overseas.

Flash forward to February 2017, and I am now working as a printing technician for a copy services company in a small town in Maryland. 

Each day feels like a new area of growth for me. In the places I felt I couldn't confront, or the issues that I tried to ignore about myself before, I'm finally facing it. It's painful.

Oh and being in a relationship doesn't fix your problems. Just as a heads up. It actually brings out those issues you have in your heart even more and makes you realize what a broken and imperfect person you are. If you're looking for a humility check, a relationship may be right for you!

Yet in the midst of all this pain and brokenness, I cling to hope. I cling because I know my story's not done yet. It doesn't end here with me working at a copy services company in Fulton, Maryland. But yet, this season is still part of my story. This time of (seemingly) insignificant day after day is truly a time in which, if I look hard enough, I find magic and wonder. In both people and life around me. Mainly people though.

I read somewhere recently that pain puts us in good Company. I can't think of something I agree with more. My broken heartedness has made me into a better and more real person. I feel closer to my Creator in the times of pain. I'm glad life sucks sometimes, for that very reason!

I love that cliche graphic that's been going around from the book, the Valveteen Rabbit. I'm just gonna go ahead and show you:

And that, my friends, is why hope is essential. 

Because through those really hard days when you don't want to get out of bed because it just hurts too much to face the day, and though you might not want to do anything with your Saturday other than
watch movies to numb your pain, and maybe you spent your lunch break crying in your car and not wanting to go back to work, rest assured knowing that those days aren't the end of your story. Those days aren't the end of your hope. 

Those days are forming you into a more real version of yourself.

A Needy Cactus

Much of my Christian existence I have pictured myself as this pretty tree that is full of branches and greenery. 

Growing and being watered in this wonderful and vast field.

Only recently I've discovered that I'm actually more of a cactus than a tree.

A cactus in the middle of a valley, withered and needy.

Many would say this is this the tearing down of my value and worth, when actually it is a release of pressure.

For once in my life I no longer have to live up to the perfect tree with the beautiful outward appearance of having it all together, so that others might be drawn to me.

I'm living now for an audience of One, and He isn't put off by my appearance.

In fact, He embraces it.

Though I am prickly and hard to come near, He reaches out to me.

He is unafraid to be though pierced through like a thorny crown. Bleeding out my redemptive destiny.

He wishes to be close to me. To love on this sharp, gruesome, exterior to get to my heart.

His love surpasses all our disgraces from our past to our future.

He'll never be intimidated.

And because of this, I am in need of Him more than ever. 

 

Bright Pink Walls

It's amazing to see where life will take you, even if life looks so much less "cool" than it did last year at this time.

I've only opened up briefly about this through Instagram, but I want vulnerability and realness to be my mantra of sorts. So 'briefly' won't do.

The past 3 years of my life have been full of travel, adventure and hype. So much hype. Being a part of YWAM has given me the opportunity to "go places". I don't feel the need to list all that off because that's not important. I will say that I've had the opportunity to live in California this past year. Which is not too shabby.

But not everyone is called to be "living off of support missionaries".

Especially if you're me.

I felt the call to the business world last year when I accidentally started up a "fund raising project" that I called "Molly Pockets". I was just trying to get back into the mission field and needed the money. Little did I know it was the gateway into my actual calling.

From last September till this September, I have been experiencing the ups and downs of trying to build a brand while also living in a new state (Califreakingfornia), with two minimum wage jobs, trying to make rent each month. There was actually no possible way for me to do it. I didn't have the time, because I was also balancing doing college ministry. 

Perhaps my biggest issue was that I had community. I know that doesn't sound like an issue. Community is amazing and one of my favorite things.

Only that I began to put all my worth and value into the community. Not so amazing.

I didn't know how to be my own person anymore. I didn't even pay mind to who I was because I distracted myself with relationships.

I was subconsciously defining myself as "Molly with friends". And when I wasn't with those friends for a month last April, I felt more lost than I had ever been.

I didn't know how to be on my own. 

Things started improving after that month because I realized that being my own person, doing different things than everyone else, was actually okay. 

The problem with me is that I am really attracted to musicians. Not just romantically. Just in general, all my friends are musicians for some reason. Especially this year. 

The good thing is that I know how to song write now. I got the process down to a T!

The bad news is that I can't sing for crap and music isn't even what I'm meant to do with my life. 

I somehow found myself in a Hollywood recording studio this past summer with a bunch of industry people. It sounds like such an awesome experience for some but for me it was brutal. We all had to go around the room and say what we do, and all I knew to say was "uh, I like business".

Lots of curtesy smiles were given, as my insecurities flared like mad.

Over the summer I knew that I needed to get some momentum going if I wanted to actually pursue my passion for business. That's when everything changed for me.

Instead of starting a business in my beloved California, I felt the push from Jesus to "go home to Florida".

"The colorful lawless swamp", as Michael Scott puts it.

But in the midst of feeling like I was taking a step backwards (moving home with my family), I also felt the excitement of my time actually coming to live out everything that's been burning on my heart to do.

I've been home for 4 weeks now and spending a majority of my time alone. It's by far been the most needed seasons for me this year. I mean, it's also the most humorous season, seeing as I came home to my sister claiming my old room, and me having  no choice but to take her old  bright pink 4 walls as my own. 

I've realized so much about myself and my life these 4 weeks. I'm remembering the things that make Molly, well, Molly. 

We need to stop trying to be other people and give ourselves the opportunity to be ourselves. That's diversity. It's needed.

I'm remembering my heart for the world and social justice. 

I'm remembering my dream to see marginalized and broken people restored and taken care of.

I'm also discovering new dreams and passions in me to ideate practical solutions for societal impact. 

Also on a less inspiring note, I'm discovering a love for snapchat (Myoungstrom, add me).

I have no idea what it looks like from here on out. I'm taking business courses and studying my buttocks off. I'm researching impact strategies. All these sophisticated terms that make it sound like I know what I'm doing, but really I have no idea.

I'm just taking steps right now and I'm seeing where it goes. It's okay that I'm not constantly traveling right now. I believe that will come again later. 

I know who I am now. That's what matters. I haven't lost myself. I haven't lost Jesus. In fact, I feel as though I've gained more of Him.

I'm done writing my own story. I'm letting Him just do that from now on. 

I don't know if my words have helped you at all. I hope they have. I mean, the whole point of this post was to encourage people reading this.

But if my words haven't impacted you, here's someone else's that might:

"Those who take refuge in community while fleeing from themselves are misusing it to indulge in empty talk and distraction" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

We can't run and hide from ourselves anymore. 

There's a world out there waiting to see genuine lives being lived.

You do you boo.

The Mundane

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears right now.

It's been forever since I've written anything.

I'm overwhelmed.

Oop, yep here come my tears. I'm crying now, just so everyone knows.

I can't quite pinpoint why, but I feel like I should give everyone an update of my last 7 months.

I've been apart of a missional organization for 3 years now. That's a long time, but it doesn't feel like it's been.

In January of this year, I felt called to work instead of raise support. While everyone got to tour with university ministries and travel around the country during the spring, I had to make acai bowls at a coffee shop.

On the weekends I worked at a restaurant right by that coffee shop.

In my missional community I became known as the "working girl".

It was lonely sometimes, and I faced so many breakdowns. I faced fear of missing out. It was hard.

But looking back, I would not change a thing. Not only have I come out victorious, but these past 7 months have shaped and molded me into more of who I'm meant to be.

God is so alive in the mundane and ordinary.

Even now as I've left the coffee shop and started working more days at the restaurant, I become encountered in the simple task of cleaning menus and bussing tables.

Do you know how sweet it is to feel God say "I love you" while you are doing what seems like the most unnoticeable and small job?

Why does he care that I swept up that one crumb off the floor??

Because "whoever can be trusted with very little can also be entrusted with very much".

Humility is a gift. Being put in humbling situations is the kindest thing that God could ever do for us because pride is deadly. We are saved by humility.

I guess I'm writing this because I want to encourage you that in your seemingly lowest moments in life, there is a beautiful inheritance/reward awaiting you at the end of the road. But you don't have to sit and dwell on that roads end, you get to enjoy the moment, if you choose to.

I don't know if I have anything tangible to report to you as fas as rewards go right now, but someone told me a few weeks ago that our inheritance is in people, and I've met the loveliest people throughout my time in these jobs. I've had inspiring conversations and lots of laughs. I've been able to sit and listen to lonely people who come into the bar and just want to talk about their dog.

I get to love people in the mundane and ordinary.

There is so much beauty in everyone. Even the customers that were rude to me. I believe they are beautiful too, they were just having a bad day.

I want to inspire everyone to go out of their way to simply love someone in the mundane and ordinary every day. Maybe that means flowers. Maybe that means a conversation. Maybe that means listening.

People are out there waiting to be loved. We can't overlook them just because they aren't children in Africa.

My tears have dried up a bit. I'm still overwhelmed though.

V I D E O U P D A T E

                      

                                      California Update from Molly Youngstrom on Vimeo.

If anyone would like to give, donate below!

                                                              

So Here I Am

Remember a few entries ago when I discussed the reality of how my plans seem to always have a way of failing, only to find that Jesus has something so much better for me?

Well. That happened again.

I was in the process of getting out of the US and moving to Europe. Believing this was my calling. 

Only I was limiting myself. I feel like I'm a totally new person from who I was just a few months ago. I had this thing in my mind that I needed to go somewhere "hard" and "suffer" and "be alone" to do ministry. I brushed off my honest and real dreams, because I didn't believe in my mind that Jesus was good enough to make them happen. But I was proved wrong.

I didn't receive the finances to go to Amsterdam and Norway this summer. It was the first time I didn't receive my finances in something I believed so strongly for. 

However, I did receive the finances to go to California to participate in the 21 Project. A collaborative leadership program that lasted 3 weeks. I was in the business training track for aspiring entrepreneurs. In these 3 weeks, I was rocked. Like the kind of rocked that makes you rethink your whole life, in the best way possible. I pretty much got a brain transplant. And a heart transplant thrown in there too.

Jesus' goodness was made known to me. In new and exciting ways. Have you ever had a stirring dream on your heart that was always there, but you decided it was too far fetched to ever happen and you just came to a conclusion that it was dumb? Well I've pretty much been doing that my whole life up until recently. What if I told you that those dreams are so real, and so possible? The world needs more passion. More dreamers/doers. More people who come alive. So I've decided to become one of those people. And I hope to bring plenty of others along with me. I heard a wise man recently say, "Life is too short to live without passion", and isn't that so true. We spend our whole lives building up empires of dirt, and the soil is money and security. 

The American dream is dying. People aren't satisfied with it anymore. We were made for something so much more. Or should I say, Someone. 

So what is the latest crazy faith step I've made in my life? I've moved into a community house with 24 other crazy dreamers in California. In this household we have amazing musicians, artisans, etc. , and our sole mission is to creatively make Jesus' name the most famous in all of America, and then the world. We will be touring this fall around the nation and gathering young people, spreading the gospel of love and grace. The great awakening is coming and I'm so excited! 

I want to update so much more but I realize many people become a little weary after long blog posts, so if you would like to hear more you can email me at "myoungstrom@yahoo.com". I will send out a more in depth newsletter soon too! And I will update more of the testimonies and awesome happenings.

Just as a preview, there have been a lot of amazing opportunities for me to connect with people in the fashion industry and different ministries that go on within it! I will tell you more next time I can update. But here is a video to get a glimpse into life as of late, that my lovely friend Madison made:

A Glimpse Into My Spirit

(Photo by Emily Gross)

I'm an orphan. I'm a prostitute.

I'm a widow. I'm homeless.

I'm a criminal. A thief. 

I'm an outcast. A wandering vagabond.

I am broken. I'm an adulterer. I'm a murderer.

I am poor.

This is but a small glimpse into my spirit.

I look into my self, and this is what I see. 

Blackness&Oppression.

Some might call this: a sinner.

This is not the end of the story.

"...while we were yet sinners...."

Indeed, Love has made a way

By coming down into the darkness of my heart, 

and not only killing it, but being killed with it.

Defeating it forever.

By rising from the grave, Love has overcome it all.

Love has made this orphan a daughter.

Love has made this prostitute pure.

Love has wedded this widow and kept her for His own.

Love has given this homeless one an eternal Home.

Love cleared this criminals record.

Love justified this thief.

For this outcast, Love has made her belong.

For this wandering vagabond, Love has laid out a planned journey.

For this broken one, Love has bound up the wounds.

For this adulterer, Love has washed her clean. 

For this murderer, Love has paid the debt.

For this poor sinner,

Love has crowned her in royalty.

Truly, I am nothing without this Love.