It's amazing to see where life will take you, even if life looks so much less "cool" than it did last year at this time.
I've only opened up briefly about this through Instagram, but I want vulnerability and realness to be my mantra of sorts. So 'briefly' won't do.
The past 3 years of my life have been full of travel, adventure and hype. So much hype. Being a part of YWAM has given me the opportunity to "go places". I don't feel the need to list all that off because that's not important. I will say that I've had the opportunity to live in California this past year. Which is not too shabby.
But not everyone is called to be "living off of support missionaries".
Especially if you're me.
I felt the call to the business world last year when I accidentally started up a "fund raising project" that I called "Molly Pockets". I was just trying to get back into the mission field and needed the money. Little did I know it was the gateway into my actual calling.
From last September till this September, I have been experiencing the ups and downs of trying to build a brand while also living in a new state (Califreakingfornia), with two minimum wage jobs, trying to make rent each month. There was actually no possible way for me to do it. I didn't have the time, because I was also balancing doing college ministry.
Perhaps my biggest issue was that I had community. I know that doesn't sound like an issue. Community is amazing and one of my favorite things.
Only that I began to put all my worth and value into the community. Not so amazing.
I didn't know how to be my own person anymore. I didn't even pay mind to who I was because I distracted myself with relationships.
I was subconsciously defining myself as "Molly with friends". And when I wasn't with those friends for a month last April, I felt more lost than I had ever been.
I didn't know how to be on my own.
Things started improving after that month because I realized that being my own person, doing different things than everyone else, was actually okay.
The problem with me is that I am really attracted to musicians. Not just romantically. Just in general, all my friends are musicians for some reason. Especially this year.
The good thing is that I know how to song write now. I got the process down to a T!
The bad news is that I can't sing for crap and music isn't even what I'm meant to do with my life.
I somehow found myself in a Hollywood recording studio this past summer with a bunch of industry people. It sounds like such an awesome experience for some but for me it was brutal. We all had to go around the room and say what we do, and all I knew to say was "uh, I like business".
Lots of curtesy smiles were given, as my insecurities flared like mad.
Over the summer I knew that I needed to get some momentum going if I wanted to actually pursue my passion for business. That's when everything changed for me.
Instead of starting a business in my beloved California, I felt the push from Jesus to "go home to Florida".
"The colorful lawless swamp", as Michael Scott puts it.
But in the midst of feeling like I was taking a step backwards (moving home with my family), I also felt the excitement of my time actually coming to live out everything that's been burning on my heart to do.
I've been home for 4 weeks now and spending a majority of my time alone. It's by far been the most needed seasons for me this year. I mean, it's also the most humorous season, seeing as I came home to my sister claiming my old room, and me having no choice but to take her old bright pink 4 walls as my own.
I've realized so much about myself and my life these 4 weeks. I'm remembering the things that make Molly, well, Molly.
We need to stop trying to be other people and give ourselves the opportunity to be ourselves. That's diversity. It's needed.
I'm remembering my heart for the world and social justice.
I'm remembering my dream to see marginalized and broken people restored and taken care of.
I'm also discovering new dreams and passions in me to ideate practical solutions for societal impact.
Also on a less inspiring note, I'm discovering a love for snapchat (Myoungstrom, add me).
I have no idea what it looks like from here on out. I'm taking business courses and studying my buttocks off. I'm researching impact strategies. All these sophisticated terms that make it sound like I know what I'm doing, but really I have no idea.
I'm just taking steps right now and I'm seeing where it goes. It's okay that I'm not constantly traveling right now. I believe that will come again later.
I know who I am now. That's what matters. I haven't lost myself. I haven't lost Jesus. In fact, I feel as though I've gained more of Him.
I'm done writing my own story. I'm letting Him just do that from now on.
I don't know if my words have helped you at all. I hope they have. I mean, the whole point of this post was to encourage people reading this.
But if my words haven't impacted you, here's someone else's that might:
"Those who take refuge in community while fleeing from themselves are misusing it to indulge in empty talk and distraction" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
We can't run and hide from ourselves anymore.
There's a world out there waiting to see genuine lives being lived.
You do you boo.
